Hello fellow employees,
Welcome to the Zombie Apocalypse.
We on the Management Team are the eternal optimists. We prefer to look on the bright side of things. And after several brainstorming sessions we have identified many benefits to employing the undead.
First of all, we will not be instituting the mass layoffs we had promised if the election went the wrong way. HR has informed us that our new zombie employees do not qualify for health care due to their pre-existing condition. In fact, we do not have to pay them at all. Which is something we in the Management Team have been trying to figure out how to do for a very long time.
For this, any many other reasons, we welcome the newly undead workforce into our corporate family. We are, after all, an equal opportunity employer. Especially when it benefits our bottom line. The Management Team believes, as it always has, in keeping the lines of communication open. As you know, we have an open door policy to our executive staff. Unfortunately we cannot actually keep these doors physically open since the Management Team has now relocated the executive offices from the top floor to the secured vault in the basement. But rest assured that all of us are behind you 100%, even though we are actually several hundred feet below you.
Now many of you may have some misplaced reservations about working along side flesh-eating zombies. This is a perfectly normal over-reaction, and the main reason why we have created this intranet site: to help keep our valued employees properly informed. But do not be alarmed by the name, The Zombie Office is just a light-hearted name whipped up by the Marketing Department to help diffuse this somewhat tense situation. It is not in any way intended to instill panic and fear to keep employees in line.
And as a way of improving relations between the living and undead, we have set up a gift shop with many wonderful and inspiring items for sale. Any of these will surely tell that special co-worker "Welcome aboard, please don't eat my brain." So take a minute and say "Hi" to your new cube neighbor, and surprise him or her with that special gift that might just save your life.
So rejoice in this new post-apocalyptic-zombie-corporate-culture. As you can see, this is really not the end of the world but the beginning of a wonderful new era of financial prosperity and opportunity for the company that employes you. Please check back often, as we will continue to bring you the latest news, carnage alerts and office events.
Stay productive and safe.