Supply Cabinets Supply Cabinets

Hello fellow employees,

The Management Team would like to take a moment to talk about the supply cabinets.

It has been a longstanding policy that the supply cabinets always remain locked. We have well established rules on how and when we distribute office supplies to our valued employees. It is our goal that you get so frustrated with our inane rules that you resort to purchasing the supplies yourself, which equates to big savings for the corporation.

But lately we have been receiving disturbing reports that people are breaking into them and hiding there in the hopes of not being eaten alive. This is a blatant misuse of company property. Not only are employees not at their desk for their manager to keep tabs on, but valuable supplies are now strune about the floor for anyone to pick up. 

This behavior must stop immediately. If this continues the supply cabinets will need to be removed for the financial well-being of the company.


Stay safe and productive.

–MT

Benefits Packages Benefits Packages

Hello fellow employees,

HR has asked us to inform everyone that there will be some changes to your benefits packages. 

It seems quite unfair to the Management Team that our new zombie co-workers do not take any vacation or sick time. Granted, we are not required by law to give PTO to the undead, and they have not asked for any. Or if they have, no one has been unable to understand them or has lived long enough to pass along the request. But this is beside the point. The import thing is that all of our employees should be treated equally in a way that benefits the corporation.

So the MT has decided to eliminate all PTO time for employees effective immediately. Anyone maimed or mutilated in an attack is free to take up to one hour unpaid to see the company nurse.

Naturally this rule does not apply to the MT. Thank you in advance for your compliance.

Stay productive and safe.

–MT

Special Thanks Special Thanks
Hello fellow employees,
 
We are happy to report that the zombie / human integration continues to advance smoothly. There are certainly no problems or obstacles that we will admit to officially.
 
The Management Team would like to extend a special thanks to middle management for their tireless support and self sacrifice during this transition. The MT greatly appreciates your dedication as long as you don't ask for a raise.
 
Of course we thank all of our employees for their help. Even though you are insignificant cogs within our vast corporate machine, it would be impolite not to thank you as well.
 
The MT is confident that until order and sanity is restored to the White House and this country as a whole, we will carry on with the values that made this company one of the largest and greatest in the world. So take heart that whether you are a living person or one of the living dead, we will continue to exploit and oppress all of you equally.
 
Stay productive and safe.
 
–MT
Continued Success Continued Success
 
Hello fellow employees,
 
Our first week of the zombie apocalypse has been a wonderful success. Except, of course, for those brutally killed or eaten alive.
 
Overall productivity is down less than 10%, but overhead is down over 50%. This is consistent with our initial analysis. We are predicting a very prosperous fiscal year. I know that all of you share in our excitement in this wonderful news, even though you won't be receiving a share of the profits.
 
Now HR has received several requests for a list of those eaten or turned into zombies. We want to remind all employees of our layoff policies, we do not distribute lists of names under any circumstances. This now includes zombies and victims. Any attempts in circulating your own lists will be subject to disciplinary measures. Think of it as a game of hide and seek, only it's forever.
 
Stay productive and safe.
 
–MT
 
A Profitable New World A Profitable New World
Hello fellow employees,
 
Welcome to the Zombie Apocalypse.
 
The first thing you need do is remain calm. This situation comes as no surprise to the Management Team. We have been warning our employees for over four years now that America was going to hell in a hand basket, and now that day is finally here. Rest assured, we are prepared.
 
We on the Management Team are the eternal optimists. We prefer to look on the bright side of things. And after several brainstorming sessions we have identified many benefits to employing the undead.
 
First of all, we will not be instituting the mass layoffs we had promised if the election went the wrong way. HR has informed us that our new zombie employees do not qualify for health care due to their pre-existing condition. In fact, we do not have to pay them at all. Which is something we in the Management Team have been trying to figure out how to do for a very long time.
 
For this, any many other reasons, we welcome the newly undead workforce into our corporate family. We are, after all, an equal opportunity employer. Especially when it benefits our bottom line. The Management Team believes, as it always has, in keeping the lines of communication open. As you know, we have an open door policy to our executive staff. Unfortunately we cannot actually keep these doors physically open since the Management Team has now relocated the executive offices from the top floor to the secured vault in the basement. But rest assured that all of us are behind you 100%, even though we are actually several hundred feet below you.
 
Now many of you may have some misplaced reservations about working along side flesh-eating zombies. This is a perfectly normal over-reaction, and the main reason why we have created this intranet site: to help keep our valued employees properly informed. But do not be alarmed by the name, The Zombie Office is just a light-hearted name whipped up by the Marketing Department to help diffuse this somewhat tense situation. It is not in any way intended to instill panic and fear to keep employees in line.
 
And as a way of improving relations between the living and undead, we have set up a gift shop with many wonderful and inspiring items for sale. Any of these will surely tell that special co-worker "Welcome aboard, please don't eat my brain." So take a minute and say "Hi" to your new cube neighbor, and surprise him or her with that special gift that might just save your life.
 
So rejoice in this new post-apocalyptic-zombie-corporate-culture. As you can see, this is really not the end of the world but the beginning of a wonderful new era of financial prosperity and opportunity for the company that employes you. Please check back often, as we will continue to bring you the latest news, carnage alerts and office events.
 
Stay productive and safe.
 
–MT